Comment Wall


Visitors, you can find my Project Portfolio here. Thank you for visiting and commenting!

 


This image shows Dasaratha saying goodbye to Rama after he's been banished for fourteen years. The image was found in the image library for MLLL-4993, but can be found at the San Diego Museum of Art. 

Comments

  1. I enjoyed your take on the story very much. The use of the therapist really portrays the hurt and emotional toll that the sequence of events caused Bharata to endure. His mother settled in his fate as the successor of the throne but his morality and value of his brother drove his loyalty for Rama as he places his sandals on the throne. The fact that you included the importance of feet in Indian culture really increases the value of Bharata's actions honoring Rama while he was still in exile. The only thing I would enhance in your story is advice from the therapist. Maybe the therapist could give Bharata more direction rather than just asking him a lot of questions. Questions are important for the therapist to ask so that the therapist understands the situation but direction on what to focus on next or how to move forward following such terrible events could be a good thing to include in your story due to the format you have chosen.

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  2. I found the spin on the story to be very unique. I like the fact that you were able to bring the story into modern times with the therapy setting. I think it really puts it into perspective just bad Bharata had it when he came back to the city. I couldn't imagine anybody in modern-day reacting well to that situation. One thing I will say is that your paragraph spacing was really good. Some people have a hard time trying to separate paragraphs out, but your story was easy to read. I didn't really notice anything about the therapist giving her advice in response to Bharata's story. It might not be a bad idea to try to make her advice another story in your project. I will definitely be keeping an eye on your project to read more of your stories in the future. I hope that your next stories are as good as this one was!

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  3. The direction you decided to take this story was very intriguing. I liked how you incorporated a dialogue between the therapist and Bharata. The interactions between the therapist and Bharata really did a good job of modernizing the story and keeping the reader engaged. One thing I will say you did a great job of is providing background of the original story in your author's notes. It has been a while since I have read the original story of Bharata Returns, so it was great to have a little background to jog my memory. Like the previous comments, I would also recommend the therapist providing some sort of direction or advice for Bharata. I learned during one of our story project weeks that an epiphany by one of your protagonists is a very important aspect of storytelling. I look forward to seeing the changes you make In later weeks, as well as, reading some of your other stories.

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  4. Hello AJ!
    First of all, I really liked that your portfolio wasn't just "Indian Epics". Seems like many of us including myself just named the portfolio something along the lines of Indian Epics and I've only realized after seeing yours that maybe having a creative name for my portfolio might have been better. As for the story, I really love the idea that Bharata goes to a therapist to cope with the conundrum that he is in. I got the feeling that Bharata was truly looking out for his family's best interest and felt more empathy towards what he might have gone through. Also, your format reduces a lot of potential errors when it comes to dialogues since the entire story is a dialogue. I've never been to a therapist, but I think that the therapist being patient and willing to listen while interjecting with questions to keep the dialogue is great as well. I'm not sure what feedback to leave other than this was the best story I've read so far.

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  5. I really liked the story that you decided to portray between Bharata and the therapist. Throughout the story, I myself was wondering how things would have been different if some of the characters had been able to talk through their problems and get help with the things that were bothering them. I liked that it was a modern retelling as well, as it is a time that we can all connect to and understand. One suggestion that I might make is to describe the setting a bit more. I think it is good how it is, but it might make the scene a little bit stronger if we understood the setting. I think if you did something like at the beginning of a play or movie, where they introduce the plot and scene, that would be an interesting way to set it up. I really like this story, and am looking forward to reading more from you in the future!

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  6. Hey AJ!
    I really enjoyed reading your story. I like your use of therapy in this story, for me it helps to show vulnerability in these characters. This was something that I think we saw a very little bit of in the stories that we read before. I liked how you added Bharata felt that this situation was utter chaos, because it adds to his feeling of distress given what had just happened. The fact that you had Bharata speaking to a therapist was a great twist, but I think when it comes to adding something else to your story I would have to agree with our peers. Maybe your story might move along a little better if you added some advice from the therapist, because right now I don’t know how Bharata would deal with all the distress and grief that he stepped into when he returned home. Other than that, your story was great and I look forward to reading more!

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  7. Hi AJ,

    I love the layout of your story! I was intrigued before even reading the sentences, so that is a really great quality to have in the structure. I think that it’s really cool that you made the story so modern and relatable to a situation that we would have seen represented in a movie or some story before! Your story is great, and you include lots of details and events in a short space. I would suggest elaborating on a few sentences to make the story easier to picture for the reader. For a random example, when you said “Shatrughna and Manthara were also suspiciously nervous,” you could add an example of how they were acting or what they were doing to show their nerves. By adding a few imagery details, we can feel like we’re there in the scene a little more as the readers. Your story was great, and I really enjoyed reading it!

    Sincerely,
    Rachel

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  8. Hi AJ!

    I love the main image you chose for your Portfolio. It's vivid colors really drew my attention. I also like the conversational and modern way that you have crafted this exchange between Bharata and his therapist. Both characters feel authentic and true to character which, I believe, was your goal.

    A question that was raised for me was what if you included some of their actions and facial expressions beyond just dialogue? Including more of their physical communication to one another as well as how Bharata portrays himself to the therapist could help bridge the gap between narrator and audience. If your reader can envision better the delivery of some of Bharata's lines, there will be a deeper connection created there to his character.

    I also love that you made sure to keep feet as a focal point for Bharata since it remains true to Indian epics. Again, this was an excellent and modern take on an old tale! Good job!

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  9. Hello AJ,
    I think that a therapy session as the setting was a really good idea to explain the overall plot and content of your story. While reading your story, some of the questions I had about the plot were refreshed by the dialogue of the characters themselves; by making the characters ask and answer, the reader is easily guided throughout the story and you were able to cut out a lot of confusion. This made the story more enjoyable to read because it was so easy to follow along! Another advantageous aspect of putting your story in the setting of a therapy session emphasized the trauma and importance of the events in the original story. His father's death, to his younger brother 'losing control', to his seizing of the throne were all very dramatic and important points in the original stories plot. Although you changed the ending of the story a bit, I think you did well to highlight the serious aspects of the original story.

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  10. Hello Aj, This is not my first time reading this story. I have seen this post in the past and it is very interesting. You chose a unique way to deliver your story in the theme of a therapist session. You were able to show deeper emotions in your dialogue that would not be as specific with simple text. I am excited to see how you build from this and maybe elaborate on a thicker plotline. You can most definitely build off this plotline you created. I was not a huge fan of the ending in your story, as I very much enjoyed the original ending. However, this was a great alternate ending to the brilliant story. You did a great job making the story interesting and allowing readers to grab the attention and theme underneath the story. Overall, I believe you are making great improvements in your writing ability.

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  11. Hi AJ! This is my second time reading your story and I was super excited to get to read your revised version of this story composed mostly of dialogue. I think you should change 'families' to 'family's' in the sentence, "I have been working so hard to earn the respect of my peers and to protect my own family's legacy." Your sentence "So, Bharata, what is going on between your family that has left you utterly so disturbed?" may flow a little better if you say "...has left you so utterly disturbed." Other than those two things your story seemed to flow very nicely and make for a very enjoyable and easy read. You really added to the original version of the story and expanded in a way that enriches the story in a pretty modern way. I can't wait to read some more of your stories in the future!

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  12. Hi AJ, I love your take on Bharata returning to Ayodhya and then being so confused on what to do after Rama is exiled and now Bharata is expected to be king. Your idea of Bharata visiting a therapist is so fresh and justifies Bharata's anger at the people who wronged Rama and his sorrow following the death of Dasharatha. I wonder what made you choose Krishna as the therapist? I thought Krishna was an excellent choice since he is omniscient and is the kind of character that knows exactly what to say in every situation. The only thing is, Krishna is the eighth avatar of Vishnu, and he exists in the Dwapara yuga, whereas Rama (seventh avatar) exists in the Tretha yuga. Since these characters do not really exist at the same time, could it be that the therapist is not actually an avatar of Vishnu, but is just a therapist who happens to be named Krishna? I also love your second story, where Arjuna writes a letter to Subhadra informing her of their son's death. This death is a really significant one for Arjuna, as it drives Arjuna to avenge Abhimanyu's death and fight harder than before. Great work!

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  13. Hi AJ,
    It is really creative to 'write letters' to tell your stories! I love the perspective that this approach gives because you can give your reader lots of insight into the characters' thoughts. The second story is tragic, but your approach to make it a sad yet redemptive letter is very interesting. I love the scene where you describe the battle, and I think it would be a great addition if you add a touch more suspense before Jayadratha's head is cut off. Maybe give some more imagery of what the battlefield looked like or what the characters were feeling. The story is amazing and very creative, and I cannot wait to see what else you write!
    Sincerely,
    Rachel

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